It was an odd sight to see- me sitting under the kitchen table with the dog, crying. He knew I was upset and tried to get his giant body close to mine at the kitchen table despite all the obstructing chair and table legs so eventually I just got under there with him to make it easier. He was just as confused as I was with my spontaneous outburst. I had been cooking all day for the week ahead- hair up, focused, determined, and then finally done. The kitchen was closed, cleaned. I was the only human home. Time to relax. I sat down at the table and wept.
I had read that morning on social media that a friend of a friend had passed away. I was just then giving myself permission to process. I didn’t feel like I was grieving for myself, but for my friend. And for anyone else whose life this person touched. And, I suppose if I am to be honest, for the empty space that now existed in my universe.
Connecting with friends of friends is one of my favorite things. These are people you’ve met through someone you already care about, so they get an instant upgrade to highly esteemed. It takes me a long time to make a new friend myself so it’s nice to have people vetted for me ahead of time. You can feel safe to just be with this person and have a good time. Whatever is happening right now was invite only, and everyone here was invited, so it’s cool. Or something like that.
People who qualify: someone who was a bridesmaid with you in a wedding once and you all had a blast; your college roommate’s running partner for whom you cheer at marathons; your cousin’s best friend who is at every important family event; your best friend’s co-worker who pops up just as often and you are always thrilled to see her and catch up. I have a much longer list…These people are extended family in a friend sort of way. You usually don’t have their phone numbers, but you keep up with their lives on social media or ask your friend how they are doing because you care. They are important to you because they are important to your friend. Friends of friends.
I once cheered on a friend’s friend-from-home as he made an incredible fitness transformation that he documented on social media. I felt like I was his biggest fan. I followed the adventures of a friend’s college roommate who became an instant-Mom as she cared for foreign exchange students from around the world for several years in a row. I was in awe of how she opened herself up to such an overwhelming experience with love and kindness. I am often inspired by friends of friends.
I’ve met lots of great people from around the country when a friend visits me in NYC and their friend tags along. Surviving my Central Park drag-through (tour) makes for easy bonding, I guess. Or how can you not make a new friend when you visit the library on Fifth Avenue together? Obligatory lion pic!
A few years ago I met an online book club friend in real life for the first time when she visited NYC. Her friend, Kathy, came along. After the trip and the lion pics, Kathy and I became FoF on Facebook. She was a joy to have on my timeline. She was smart and witty and had a kind heart. She volunteered at a cat shelter and showed up weekly to read to children who needed someone to read with them one to one. The kids liked the colorful streaks in her hair. I liked her cat reports and her kid reports. And I also liked the colorful streaks in her hair. If Marie Kondo asked me, I would tell her that reading about Kathy brought me joy. Selfishly, I loved when she commented on my posts; she was very supportive of MY adventures too. She always had something smart or encouraging to say.
When I heard Kathy passed I thought of my dear book club friend and their life-long friendship. And her family I didn’t know much about. And the cats. And the kids she read to. And then I cooked for five hours. And then sat under the table with the dog and cried. I am not “sorry for (my) loss” so please, don’t write that. I am sorry for those of you who didn’t know her.
Cheers to all the wonderful people on the periphery who make our lives a little better every day, whatever we call them. How about, just “friends?”
https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/toledoblade/obituary.aspx?n=kathryn-bowman-simoni&pid=191892595